|vIRTUALLY yOURS:||cAROLYN L bURKE|
|be warned: this is my diary... clb||page 18|
A very grandious snowfall whitens my view. Bright grey sky / land. Brown stairwell, a few scattered houses remain visible, and very thick luxurious flakes falling straight down. It is a nice day.
But what do I think? I realised that I am quite a happy person these days. It hurts my feelings to here of competing businesses that are going on the stock exchange. At the same time though, by business is doing incredibly well. We started with no financing. We have no debt. And now I can buy a building to house us in -- in the design community if all goes well. We're doing things right. Doing something long term, not boom and burn as technology inventing companies and not service industry are usually apt to. We may not go on to the TSE in the next two years, but we will have other successes that outshine that.
And we will get there too. Stably.
Some things are bothered by a lack of structure. Peeple are to varying degrees. Chaos is simply the inability to see pattern. Why can't we see patterns in some things? Anything can be modelled by any structure, although of course some models fit some things better than others; cotton balls make bad hammers, even if they are in some sense hammers. So what though?
Is the human need to find structure in everything really the way it has to be? Do we become post-modern deconstructuralists, existentialists, helpless without perceiving it? Autistic? Something like that. Perhaps these are all possible results. Alright.
But how much is enough? Where should the complexities be? Should the structure we use / believe is true map onto reality accurately? Or not? Is a structure that is logically equivalent to the "right" structure sufficient, or does it lead to emphases that are not as useful? Depth versus breadth issues abound, and that's only if we use a vector system type. What if I wonder away from that limitation? How do some people use statistically driven structures?
And don't ask the question, "What is the structure of structure?" It leads in funny loops at best. Ask it knowing htat the answer has to come from within a structure -- one there to understand and formulate the question. Nothing more interesting.
Why do people need this stuff at all though? Sure reality is a tad confusing if we don't have opinions about it. And alhtough a couple of these opinions might be hardwired into us, many seem not to be. We can be trained or taught. We can learn on our own. All implies organizatin of information -- information with structure. I'm missing something here.
I landed outside the social structure of Toronto, of Canada, of my family and schools, because I didn't know how to begin to see the structures there. They are social conventions, and they were simply invisible to me. Social reality seemed chaotic -- simply chaotic.
These four mantras echo in my head to remind me that things are not the way little childhood me thought they were. It's like having learned a second language -- re-writing my beliefs thoroughly. Funny though: I can do it, have done it. I retreat back there lots, say about 30% of the time. I'm overly shy or withdrawn, mistrustful or stingy, wierded out by the doings of others, overloaded by too much music in the air, able to happily gaze in awe at a tree full of large black crows with chicken bones in their claws and beaks -- in a grocery store parking lot.
They are all acting normal. This has empowered me in public. It was the keystone to learning social stuff for me. There I was in a downtwon Chicago bus station by accident... my train messed up in a snowstorm. And they were acting wierd... They were a whole bunch of downtwon Chicago-ites. Or so I tried to think, so I thought. And the place was fritzing me out. I had to wait there without enough cash to buy a coffee, only a bus ticket in hand, unti l4am guarding my luggage - no quarters to use the lockers even. I called Peter collect after awhile. I couldn't take it. I felt very unsafe. He told me my mantra then, he wrote it then to help in that situation. "They are all acting normal -- for them." They are people. Their needs are familar even if their methods and culture are not. Relax. They are all acting normal.
I calmed down, talked to people. Someone bought me a coffee. :) Turns out, they weren't acting normal! But the mantr helped me learn that. "They" were the poorer end of a 20,000 person conference converging on the same small as I was, a 20,000 Christian missionary weekend retreat and conference. They wre flowing in from around the world -- definitely no normal in that mixture of preaching, faith and world missionary-izing. No! But they wre really nice, and they were flipping out the residents of that Chicago bus terminal as much as they had flipped me out. :) Do-gooders don't often converge on downtown Chicago (even if only enroute to somewhere else). But all told there was something normal there.
I get confused when something I believe is wrong in more than one way at once. I had believed that there can be no such thing as normal -- I had believed that there was only chaos in social behaviour, no patterns. I had believed that each person was truly autonomous and making up his or her own behaviour from the inside out alone just as I was, and that there was no way to really get to the heart of the matter when around new people. I thought that the only reason for stereotyping people and even being predjudice was random and unjustified disliked for superficial similarities. I could not believe that there was a normal. And secondly, I was wrong inthis particular case -- it did lack a normal state. The convergence of these travelling missionaries and the Chicago downtowners was creating abusy stir -- in fact I was right in being very confused by it. for the wrong reasons. The mantra straightened this out all in one blow. It has stayed with me. Normally they are all acting normal (for them). And once in awhile, they aren't. Now I can tell the difference.
Thanks to structure. Normal is a structure, different on the object level in different places. Normal in a Chicago bus terminal is different then normal in a Carnegie Mellon philosophy department. But each place has a human social norm, even if it fluctuates and varies over time. These are the boring periods of the places, the times when the bread and butter events happen predictably, by design often enough. And these present a background to contrast the foreground of the unusual event, the accident, the special occasion.
normal. I have a norm set too. I too am patterned. And I too have a way I act socially. It used to be a projection of my confusion. Now it is a projection into the social spaces of my confidence -- Trust myself. :)
|Frost and Puppies||Travelings|
another simply another
And they're off:
This morning there are CFTO persons here filming me!
and here we go again!
So I'll chat about stuff I wrote about a whole year ago... I wonder if I know anything about such.
too late now. up since 5am. It's ten pm now. too slow ISP at this timeof night. I write offline to speed up things. too tired. Fleiss made it on tv. :) He is good at that. Mopp9ns hid in the closet. building buying very shortly, and maybe a trip to New York for a CyberStar award... maybe. with Peter perhaps. tired. now. so much work with Richard helping him become beyond himself.
online again. typing real time. hope all in the world sparkles. the only way to do good for others, the only two ways: do good for one self while remaining generous about the methods (not the goods though), and setting an example of the same. I hope to. world view is the key. keep altering until these things can be true. if you are me.
and let Niels smile at you a lot. be loved. and let cats love you by looking straight into their hearts the way people won't allow. learn to purr with them. I am sure full of advice now after today.
clients --> money --> purchases --> employees --> money --> building --> clients
I type in syntactic gibberish finally today. to sleep I go.
Tracey: get therapy, invest in a good shrink, and a nice online spell checker.
Carolyn: hmmm, you sound an awful lot like an old friend of Peter and Richard's, a woman named Rosalinda. Split down the middle between fear of living, and knowledge of not living. Go for it.
Time to sleep... midnight is late enough!
All events are over now. Building bid is open -- I signed a lot of papers yesterday, and I'll know in a couple of weeks whether this amazing deal goes through. I sure would like to see it work.
Peter's neat event went off last night. Tracey shot video footage of it, and she'll put together a promovid for them. :)
Me, I'm off for breakfast with Hella. People in Toronto have been talking for many days about how warm today is going it be -- up to -5. So let's go freeze our butts off admiring the warmth. Strange place. People get so hived up though during the winter, its nowonder they all go out first thing in spring to plant flower gardens and wash their cars. I can relate too. Even the cats here are waiting for real warmth. But Moppins and I did see our first Robin last week.
Why lie? We didn't actually see a robin. People really like the story when I tell it though; me and the cat admiring the robin at the same time for different reasons. The summer solstice party Tracey and I are throwing will be held in Greece if all goes well. Why invite other people when you can simply go somewhere nice?!
Sitting around on a Sunday without any plans -- for a change! Time to access things.
My mantras continued:
Things to assess:; decisions; goals; ends and means choices; people; why do it at all; what other things I'm not doing. [I seem to unfortunately be using an economics model to do this: that simply sucks. It pares down possible way so fviewing things into a rigid structure lacking ... other values.]
God, I really do just write stuff here knowing that other people read it. Why?
Decisions: No fear. Do only and all of what I want. Generate more options instead of less. Choose options that lead to more options generating a longer term, ever expanding (option number and quality) base of operations always. Use all of what I have already to implement. Don't turn down opportunities -- and perceive them when they arise. Rely on others only for their strengths,a nd never to overcome their weaknesses. But, assist them in their weaknesses to generate goodwill. Live in the past, present, and future all at one time. Vision is more valuable then memory in improving one's life/self. All that happens is to be learned from. Know the context in which what you noticed happening occurred. Assume people are always making sense, and try to see how what they do made sense. Treat them this way. Predict people in order to trust them. There is always more than one cause / reason for anything so look beyond the one cause / reason anyone gives for the rest. Figure out how to usefully include others in the future plans such that all of your goals can be satisfied at the same time -- non-zero sum playing. Know in your brain 10 levels of strategy all at once, such that each level is accessible to the people who think on it andthe others appear relatively invisible at most. Be trustworthy only abvout things that you can afford to be, and in all else declare loudly that you are not reliable -- creating predictability and hence meetable expectations. Let people really know who you are. Do what you want. Let people know you do what you want only - that you paly and don't work, that you are a pleasure to be around only when treated well, decently and long term productively. Make sure to be an asshole if treated badly, a burden if leaned on, a coward if hidden behind, a useless bag of mostly water if made into a parental figure. Show your weaknesses clearly with a clear warning about what happens if they are taken advantage of. Like, love and trust yourself. Think and understand why things are the way they are. Think about how you would like the future to be. Theya re related through time into the future only by you. Only you will even like the future you see there. You can only change yourself. Do so with wisdom, and you will naturally gravitate towards the future visions you hold.
Turn away bad deals - be able to recognize and laugh at bad deals. Turn away leeches, altruists, things without pricetags attached. Get rid of baggage without ruining ... ah the cliche of course is about babies and bathwater, and not baggage with garbage in it. :) Keep the bathwater and throw out the baby -- babies don't come with clearly marked price tags. Bathwater does. Never worry. Never worry about what went wrong; keep the parts that went right. Never play zero sum games. Even if others set something up as zero sum (only one of you can win if any can), there is always a way to go meta on the game (break the rules; rewrite the rules; bribe them to stop doing this; treat them as baggage), don't go along with it no matter what. Do not be romantic about love, trust, friendship, success, reality, etc in any way. Get over yourself. Allow others to have the bigger dick. Don't do it the way others did. Don't take orders unless you want to be safe frommaking your own decisions.
Methods: To be beautiful, attractive, inteeligent, educated, and uncultured. To avoid ingesting conventions and culture in order to be innovative. Attract energy, and use to innovate more attraction.
People: Great! All trustworthy.
Why do it at all? What else is there to do? Something instead of nothing. So why not try to do it all .. it is possible with some planning.
What am I not doing? In time, nothing that humans haven't done. And perhaps nothing beyond that if I am truly able to live more than one lifetime in this one.
Evaluation: Wow. No shit. And this is what I thought when I was 7. Why did I bother with the goddamn interim bullshit? Parents of stupidity. Schools of mediocrity? Internal confusion in response to not being open minded enough to recognize these things. A choice back then to be perfect in a stupid way, as a rule follower. Bad perception abilities of anything not preexplained by a parent or a teacher. [Peter helped me through the Godel point of this system. Now I demand of a possible teacher that it make itself dispensible no matter what if it will teach me something.]
Why am I doing what I wanted at 7 years old? Ahahhh! There is a weak spot... Why? Because I haven't yet done it. Wihtout doing it, I'll always wnat it. Live out the dreams to see what growth I go through. Then grow and mature into newer dreams of the maturer creature I will be. Really live it out - as I have so much else so far. To correct Chanel: LIVE THE REALITY.
Last thoughts: Oh, and do something about that dyslexia, right Trace?!
The causeway of hurt feelings. Why so easy? Attachment to the way things are not in the hope that they will become so without causal effort. Worse. Attachment to methods of causal doing that are idealized away from the is in themselves. Worst. Not perceiving the reality of the situation incurring ever greater debt-investment to old earned causation patterns. LET GO, Peter!
It hurts to see him have unnecessary burdens that must nevertheless be carried for reasons of integrity. And not simply him. Am I the only person who has figured out to let go of what I don't want rather than fighting with it? What I want is simply what I want, and getting is pleasurable as a consequence. Ptching together me so as to be able to get what I want, so as to be able to know what I want, so as to be able to perveice what is, that is the issue. I'm mostly there, and surprised that others are not. Why did I suddenly leapfrog ahead.. sorry for the race imagery. Why did I though. I used to be messily un ... un .. unable. A nuisance. Stuck. Now I am fooling myself into seeing the wants filled. Or am I really just pulling my energy in and refocusing it with my handy dandy faith generators -- belief constructions of future belief and present to future causal maps. Or am I coasting a dream? Or better still am I re-placing my bets on what I want as the horses come in?
Necessary burdens. What holds people in place is simply their demand to stay there. How much more ismply can I put it. Oh better: howmuch more complexly can it be put? free will. will power. force of will. use that will to stay where you are and to perceive your problems always in the same lights and that is where you will end up.
All the stories of people getting places involve the people deciding to go places: out of the ghettos, out of slavery, out of the middle classes,
I always want to write "travelings" first. A process of thinking initiation. A sort of mediation into where I am inside of what I do. Hmmm.
Just under the weather today and unwilling to really do much about it. Fine. Tracey if too broke to come out and play. And I didn't feel like pushing that.
Maybe I'll lay low then. Try out doing nothing much.
1 small thought:
[power went off for 10 hours .. I forget the small thought :) ]
[Yesterday a main grid in Toronto, one I live in was out of hydro -- a blackout -- for ten hours. Striking workers were in part responsible. Very stoneage.]
Thoughts: I had trouble sleeping last night. I could hear a screaming kid having nightmares. His mother was not so understanding. I remember having recurring nightmares for years. I understand now what they were about. Then I didn't and no-one else explained what was going on.
They taught counting and then arithmetic in public school. I was about 6 I guess. 1+1+1.... 1,2,3... See these? They don't end. I tried counting as high as possible. I tried imagining what the largest number was like. But I never asked anyone. Instead I dereamed about the largest and smallest numbers. Infinities and infintesimals.
One dream was of me sitting in a barber chair, spinning upwards, spiralling forever heavenward. I had this dream forever it seemed, for years. I knew that I had to learn to control the chair's spinning. Each rotation was a number, and the upwards movement was a child's nightmare version of counting. It took me years it seemed to learn how to control that in the dreams. When I did I changed as person inwaking life. I had a grasp of the concept so elusive. And not from help anywhere. Teachers who refused to conceive that I needed to understand non-finite mathematics at 8. They didn't notice.
Another dream involved my parents throwing heavy pieces of furniture at each other across a room. This was a recurring dream too, and in it I was always trying to stop them from dong this, from hurting each other. They must have really hated each other for me to have known this so young. But the interesting thing about the dream now was the reason I couldn't do anything inthe dream. The furniture was infinitely heavy, and took forever literally to travel across the room. Xeno's problems. Stuck in the time dimension of the calculus without increasing the distance dimension. Not coming out of the fractal real numbers to travel both infinities. As a kid all I could do was say that the furniture was heavy. What I needed was a conceot oriented, educated person around to understand the attempt to understand mathematics more clearly than was being taught to me by rote in the school.
are childhood nightmares the human brain's way of grokking concepts that are not introduced clearly? I suddenly believe so. Imagine that instead of mathematics, a kid is trying to understand ethics, or physics, or happiness. Or any of the "adult" concepts we never teach directly to the young.
The pain of my earliest memories would have been assauged not by the kinder concerns of maternalistic harmony as most believe in this ape society, but by an educated human mind carrying the accumulated wisdom of the ages. Gee thanks mom.
As Fleiss pulls thumbtacks out of my wall, Knecht has become the Magistar Ludi. From here I think I have something crucial to learn. Something.
I have indeed been ill for the past week. I can only now really tell as the illness lifts. Buffering illness with physical deterioration. So many people with personalities and my own simulation interacting. So arrogantly I attempt to make my simulation a real balance of all of theirs, a buffer to the ends we hope for. So interesting. I was going to write that a balance couldn't run if all were doing so, but that is wrong. The dance of more buffers is the most pleasurable of human dances. Indeed I am right in thinkin ghtat a long time from now, I will enter the higher-still rungs of society, dancing the political and historical fugues with high ideals and sullied pragmticisms.
The day beckons me away for the day. I must go now.
Today I'm driving with Peter down to New York. I've been invited to an awards ceremony for this little ole place. I thought a couple of days with Peter would be fun, so we're driving, and then playing in the city for a day and then driving back. Oh have I mentioned that I own a building now. Is there a smirk smiley? My long term planning is quite accomplished now. Two years agoi I decided to leave Peter innocuously (after the Kathleen incident), and applied to schools all over North America. CMU at Pittsburgh seems a good combination of far away enough and good enough. And lo, I was away as planned. Turns out this was not really what I wanted... the away part was good, but the continuation of grad school was simply too much. I've been reading the Glass Bead Game. I read the year I first entered grad school over Christmas, before I realized that politics was a mainstay of my new environment. It helped me go for the dream of a top school. Now I read it again seeing that the dream has its edges. The edges are sharp unforgiving.
Now a year ago I decided to get a building. Last year it was simply an old uninhabited building down on King St. Beautiful old thing. I tried to buy it first of course. 1.5 million for it and the surrounding land and the natural disaster on the land of an old gas station. Couldn't have what I wanted. But... I got something a million times better... a beautiful amazing building, the Molesworth Building - soon to be the FSC Building, in the heart of the design district at the top end of Yorkville -- snooty shopping zone alert. Totally amazing.
A year ago, Hella wanted a storefront to share with me, Peter and whoever wanted a bit of space. She wanted [she always sisputes what I write about her :) ] somewhere for Peter to mature .. good light, lots of water, talk to him a lot. I hooked into this idea. Sure, a shared building sounds great! Lets do it. Peter acted as my agent, hunting an seeking the best deals. Richard acted as my building spotter. I fed the buildings' agents he spotted to Rose who calld them up, and asked them to call Peter. Peter took it from there. And this building was interesting. We spotted it on the street, and Peter found it independently through agents' word of mouth. A triangulation. Sold. Indeed.
Long term plans in which every person involved is going to get something they want out of the achievement of the plan. I wanted something to do with all the money accumulating from FSC. Richard wanted a really impressive office space. Hella wanted to invest in Toronto, and to invest in her son. Peter wanted to show he could pull this off -- being an agent for us.
Long term planning really works. What can I say -- it's news to me.
bye. :) back in TO on Tuesday ... online before then if these guys have their act together!
With people looking over my shoulder... what can I write? In New York? Willy says to write to him about ...?
So... what do I really think here in NY? I'm amused, and little excited and awfully interested in finding out what is going to happen ... [Peter snaps a picture of me] Nothing. An input day. Later tonight I'll try for something more interesting centered. Me. For now, time to enjoy and see.. I feel the energy here as excited, eager, hopeful. I remember this from the Casa Loma event we held last month.
And hi Tracey!!!
Peter on the other day's entry: "Western wisdom with a sense of ancient insight ... eastern balance."
Indeed. I'm back here at home now from New York City. Peter and I took off right after Virtual City Magazine's CyberStar awards ceremony and cocktail party. I had a blast.. a little too shy for such a surprisingly cosmopolitan event, but with Peter running around snapping shots of me, and a surprise ABC Radio interview I did, I think things went really well. They claim that the Cyberstar awards are the Oscars of Cyberspace. I'm game.
Sadly, so many of the people I would have liked to meet in person, Greg Galcik, Dave Seigal, the Spot folks, ... were there incognito much the way I was or didn't make it. I did meet so many other really fun and cool people, some fellow Cyberstars, and other cool party crashers. There were also some celeb types.. Peter spotted them faster then me. Look carefully in the pictures. :) I'm on my way to the known!!!
[I try to sleep for a few hours .. NO]
There was this incredible box here when I got in... two beautiful glasses vases and growing flower bulbs. I can't tell what sort of flowers they will be .. that Niels chose to send me. This is such a wonderfully beautiful present. A spring thought as the spring air arrives through my windows this evening.
As my input phase draws to a pleasant close... I should talk about how much I learned about Peter onthis trip. I learned that so much of what he is that hurts me .. that hurt me .. is surced inhis fight inhis heart against the precepts that were instilled in him in his youth -- the precepts of a communist dictatorship, Rumania. He objects to eating well and sleeping well as the remnants of fighting the all encompassing fatherland. He fights on the object level the wrong thing .. biological necessity to get at the propaganda level the same level I've fought conventions and socializations at.
I come away admiring Cybergrrrl after meeting her last nigt. But I also cringe. She helps women and girls get on the net. I can't see women and girls only.. it hurts me to as much as leaving a stray cat on Wall Street there alone hurt Peter yesterday. Although admirable, her stridency is what I work against here in part. I set the example where she offers the helping hand. I think there is a difference, and although both sorts of cool things are useful in the world, admired, in the end, I will not be regarded as a social worker, as a helper, but instead as a doer of what a person does, and not a woman. I need to think this out a lot before settling on these short conclusions... I will.
I think that people respond to any ism, racism, sexisn, etc of any variety, including the seemingly benevolent and empowering kind that Cybergrrrl has brought to the online world. We stayed in Soho at Bevy's Bed and Breakfast -- her wonderful artist studio on Mercer. Bevy's story, one which she would like to write for the world, and is working on sitcoming and movieing her work ..[Tracey arives to movie with me... later]
I am way out of control emotionally!! A real honest to goodness New York award thingy for ... well, doing what makes me feel good. Now it makes me feel excited, and in some sense, clued in again to what's going o digitally. Where have I been? Ah yes, getting a building. OK... no self-recriminations. That was a good choice. Official building inspection today. Peter warned that it might take 4 hours. I don't think I have to look at every nook and cranny, but I've been instructed to look as if I care about the details of such. Heh. A building is a building is a building. No?!
So much output in me. Must breathe alittle more deeply and slowly. Excitment. Phone calls. Lawyer, accountant, radio guy, I did the ABC Radio thing at the ceremonies - standard interview, but fun. miaaauuuu.
Many excitments. How shall I use this energy for wonderful future things? :) That makes me smile... it is the right thought to think. How indeed.
My mind is flitting from here t there and around again. I can't even stay in the same sentence intime to write it out. Maybe it was too much coffee, but I don'tthink so. Now that I'm back home here in TO it is easier to think about what is going on. I have this time lag to understanding and even to knowing what to do. Unless I'm really on a higher point of equilibrium, where my decisions are solid right to me, I find a little confusion in the cracks of my doings. Like now.
4am. Can't sleep. People jump around as the hard and fast times resolve into the norms again. My energies in maintaining balance between people and me wane when they should stay high a little longer. Tracey annoyed after being stood up for dinner. Richard annoyed at being stood up the night before by building buying. Peter more tolerant because he knows I love him and can't doubt it as easily. Surprising inthat Peter doubts most easily. I must have been a strain on Richard and Tracey while spending this million dollars - plus smaller incidentals in setting up a design community office.
Can't sleep. Thoughts of what to say to each person, to clients, to contractors negotiating for more now that they see us being so very shiny, to Richard on how wonderful he has been watching this tenuous building buying process knowing we need to expand anyway, to Tracey while she watches me being interviewed and moneyed,
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