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Mon Apr 8 1996

tacky home photos of my cats

It seems I'm just sitting around waiting for email all day. The office is closed today - we decided to take a long long weekend after all the fuss and performance in acquiring a new building, and in the hiring we're about to do. So no-one is around.

I don't usually feel in a holding pattern like this. Why now? Just because other people have floated away and know how to do other things... without other people. I could wander the malls shopping, go out for lunch with a book, all sorts of solitary things. If the books were any good, it might be different.

But instead I have a lunch break in a closed office.

Get a life.

more orange feathers.

Tue Apr 9 1996

So I sit here really honestly wondering about this life thing going on and on. Maybe there is no extrinsic point, maybe I only generate arbitrary intrinsic points, but really... it simply continues. And the funny thing is I'm not sure which way to play it. Is it more reliable and beneficial to believe that continuing is not easy? Or would I do better thinking that it is really easy to continue. There are arguments in favour of both.

To be honest, I never accept arguments whcih have statistic persuasion at their core, and yet one of the best arguments for relaxing about my fear of death is statistical. perhaps this is why it doesn't hold much weight for me. So many many humans simply survive. They simply do. For sure, they have the help in most cases of other humans. But the point is that so many do.. the odds of being a surviving human are very good. Not too many ofthem die statistically.

But here's the other side. Some do die from stupidity. Now if it were only their own stupidity, that would be easy. But it appears (note that I said that) that other's stupidity is sometimes the culprit too. Where I don't think that people get what they deserve since that depends on whose view is calculating the desserts, I do think that by and large people get what they cause. Even traffic accidents tha are not their own fault may be linked back to their personal habits of choice. Let's say that I tend to drive always in the inside lane. This is certianly legal and even reasonable. But let's say that inside lane drivers are more likely to get hit by a stupid left turner than outside laners. There we have it. Bad information is the source of increased danger. I guess that is why I always feel that everything is highly risky - I don't have enough good information to make what I'd consider to be really informed decisions. Toss the dice please.

Alright then. This is the picture of living life uneasily. I tend to think continuing is mostly easy, but that one should spend an excess of energy ensuring that. Double think.

Am I too safety conscious? By whose standards? Compared to Tracey, no. Peter, yes. By my own, just right. Daaaa. But are my standards really where it's at?

Sheeesh. With fear of death less than ever - I've been nicely distracted into actually living life, and not simply worrying that it might end endlessly - am I taking enough care to ensure life will continue? A trade-off? If I get it wrong, I'm dead. it's that simple. So err on the side of over cautiousness, even if the stats say I'll live to 78+.

This leads me to Niels and as well Peter's grandfather. These are very happy people. All else aside, peter's Grandfather is 93 I think, and working on his third not-quite this time wife. Niels is just incredibly happy, and will probably live forever because of it. :) (Aren't I biased.) [Gotta run soon.]

relevance - happiness leads to a better life and to a better quality of life and health. Growl. So my cool and easy decision to err on the side of cautiousness might as well be a cause of leading towards the stupid again. The very act of worrying slightly all the time might make my life less good, more constrained, fear based, and even shorter. Lighten up?! :) Foolish mortal.

twisted inside.

Fri Apr 12 1996

A trend: No. I don't know. My lifestyle, me, has been falling apart in the last little while. Things I like have been stopping, and other things move in to replace them. Good eating habits disintegrate after travelling with Peter. They are gone. I probably simply won't be able to eat for a couple of days while I try to understand why I can't eat anymore.

I had surgery for cervical cancer 10 or so years ago, and I suspect that problem is arising again. I can't convince a doctor to see me on short notice though. They have their rituals. I'd spend all my money to convince them to see me, but in Ontario money doesn't count. Waiting your turn does. I don't wait in lines.

The ceiling is falling down in my apartment. Plumbing. The landlords are sorta interested in fixing it, but not much. So now I must consider moving before I intended to. Or being rained on.

All plants with flowers die here. Only flowerless plants like it. People like bringing me flowering plants which are beautiful. I guess they don't realize I get to watch them die. :) It makes me sad that I don't understand flowering plants. Without flowers, the watering thing is sufficient. Maybe flowers make a plant more fragile and moving them is more tragic.

Hungrier .. Richard tries to convince me to go to lunch with him while I write this. I try to explain to him that food is a regularly recurring need, and that a oneshot lunch won't help anything. The

Dinner - Death Principle: If the fox doesn't catch the rabbit for dinner, the fox goes hungry. If the fox does catch the rabbit, the rabbit dies. So the two when they interact have different stakes in success. The rabbit must succeed to continue being a rabbit. The fox needn't for it can go off to eat another rabbit.
Of course, if the fox always misses, it'll die too. And as well, the number of foxes to rabbits is important. If each life is equal in this story, then the fox has indeed less to loose. But if one fox is worth 10 rabbits, let's say, then the fox could miss out on nine rabbits, but missing out on ten would cause the fox's death too. SO in that way the story doesn't hold up either.

Still... The point of the story in this case is that I need to find a steady supply of rabbits or I'll die from starvation like the fox. One meal out won't fill that need.

Then again, maybe it is the alcohol withdrawal .. eating is associated with the drinking thing, and eating out especially. Eating in is associated with having to wash too many dishes. Eating isn't.

I am hurting from the loneliness of last week a lot. No-one cared very much about it. Tracey did. That isn't enough somehow though. I feel that simply going backto what was happening before isn't sufficient to get me feeling not alone again. I simply am.

And now I'm crying. This isn't going anywhere.

what to write.

Sun Apr 14 1996

Closed off almost completely. feeling left out, alone. as if others want of me parts that I won't share right now. I need stuff first. a little healing space.

Where each input is thought out instead of used as my own. barriers missing between my decision spaces and the world's pushiness. one big decision from me to re-balance myself would fix this. a big, repeated over and over decision that would convince me that I'm alright, doing well, in charge of my life, doing the right things -making other decisions wisely. I can't tell right now if I am.

Broken faith-generators. simple. where did they go? they leaked out in small directions, each pursuing a persuasive external with fervour due only to my own inside decisions. they wandered towards other stars, my own gravity missing. planetary viewpoint: everything in the universe large or far away, everything except one alone planet in the viewpoint center. No mirror, only inference from similarities of others to know self.

Strong selves pursuading out of fear panic. a comet afraid of melting in this orbit: Peter. mercuric ascendence into self-perceived gas giant, afraid to be dense: Richard. a ship wandering too far out encountering self-created asteroid belt turmoil: Tracey. white dwarf secure and stable, alone: Hella. cool breezes over icey-peaked mountains, oceanic sighs breathing rain drop tears, watching outwards without feeling the organic embraces greenly encircling: Carolyn. Each yelling loudly at their center. Afraid of the coming change. The system will remain though. Reflection of the entirety will pull us through. Orbit with a calmness due the universe. Fasten your saftey belts. The journey starts now.

breathing slowly.

Mon Apr 15 1996

Alright. I couldn't find the diary this morning. A DNS thing. But things seem good again!

Yesterday I hit bottom - depressed totally. I took a long bath. When I got out, that was it. I couldn't want anything anymore - hopelessness. I've been looking int he wrong spots.

In the middle of the afternoon - unusual for me - I lay down in bed. I decided I must have some horrible disease to feel that miserable, pneumonia, cancer, something. I lay for quite awhile feeling sorry for myself, feeling desparately aware that there were no solutions.

At some point I decided that it couldn't hurt to find out why I was so miserable. I lay back and relaxed trying to find my flame center. I couldn't but I knew where to look anyway. After a long while I noticed a strong pull in one direction so I looked over. There was a grassy field, trees in the distant bordering. Noone nothing there but grass and wild flowers.

I pulled back in to my center visually. There was nothing in the field. But as I stayed looking forward, I could feel the field. It felt different than it had looked - something different was there. Instead of a flame I could see a mountain gorge - a stream with an incredibly vigorous current almost vertical. I looked at the "V" of the gorge to see it made up of the back ofthe building I'm buying - an atrium with beautiful trees and landscaping. Overlaid on it I felt the rush of my own blood streaming endlessly forever bottomlessly. The building's gorge was awash in my blood.

I wanted to keep my blood. Focusing down to the building's bottom, I tried to pool the blood, to capture my personal energy and store it. The pool had a hole at the bottom, allowing the blood to continue its endless journey. I knew then that the endlessness was not of my own creation. The building was, my energy contribution was, but not the hole in the pool. It was someone else's: Peter's.

I found my center though. Through accepting the endlessness of my own energy's descent, I found that I can retain a balance in this.

My depression is gone, although I am exhausted now after weeks of this unknown drain. I have detached from keeping Peter's concerns in my heart. He is still in there, but his decisions to torture himself in bringing together the purchase of this property - he is my acting agent in the deal - these are wrong in my opinion. I will merely watch and learn about him while he does this. But I will stay in my own soul about the deal. This way, my energy remains mine to use.


Tue Apr 16 1996

My ISP, Passport, was sooo sweet yesterday. They helped me find my diary after it was misplaced. Nice guys.

I realize now that the easy indulgences of others' frustrations in my own system are my weakness currently. I work to find out what they want and what they need, and then attempt to visualize a world in which all of our wants and needs are met; as big and encompassing a view as I can given their needs. It amuses me to find that some people won't express these though. How can we make the world a better place while some of us hide what that place would look like.

So what does it look like to me? I'd like a world in which my own weaknesses were not foremost in all my qualities. Even further, a world in which my strengths were so well utilized that the weaknesses appeared not at all. I'm halfway there. I cry sometimes over spilt milk, and then easily try to breeze through a million dollar deal. The gracefulness of the bigger projects is a pleasure to me, and of the smaller, simply lacking. A direct result of my belief... I am soo young still, so simple and unformed.

My belief: For a given amount of energy effort talent strife, apply it to the greatest hardest most significant and if I amy largest fulcrum one can. This implies an accidental ignoring o fhte details on the larger scale things. For I have not the energy to treat in curlicue detail the large projects as I would the small. Run for Prime Minister instead of City Councillor - the payoff is better if you get it, and the odds of getting either are about the same. Essentially, I don't think self-imposed modesty limits are worth anything except to your heavily laden with morality or jealousy friends.

In this way I am too simple and young for the places I go. That is fine. Life will always be interesting to me, and I will always be a breath of fresh air to those around me.

Moody? :)

lines of power.

Tue Apr 16 1996

a date.

Wed Apr 17 1996

Well I've been invited out on one. Neat. A local media personality who's not really certain I even exist. I think I'll go. Awfully exciting in a probably predictable sort of way. Saturday night. Isn't life twisty.

I don't understand what makes a person up. A little existential angst for the road, I guess. Why do some people do different things from others though? I arrive at that question only when assuming that there are patterns and trends in the way people behave. Normally, me personally, I assume that there aren't any. I learn each person individually, separately, as they are. So I must account for why they often act the same as each other, or in groups with that unsavoury group-think I so avoid.

Different places allow for and even encourage different group-thinks. University compelled us to value the protection of its walls - the allowance to explore ideas as if that would be endangered inthe "real world." During interviewing last week, a number of the candidates talked of wanting to get out into the real world. Giggle. Wouldn't they be surprised upon finding us to be more academic than they've ever seen. :) We do more concept work and research than perhaps most businesses - because it is simply very fun and very profitable. After all, in a world where every unemployed person is an Internet Consultant, where every person with a computer or a pencil is producing web pages, how come FSC is such a thriving success?! We actually do something different. An educated group-think?

The "real world" quickly compells us to forget that the other one exists at all. It doesn't mention the ivory tower - only the academics bother drooling. I truly like that place, but I find it stiffling and controlling. Here I hate being controlled and told what to do, and always argued that governments were the responsible parties for limiting our rights. Thing is that the universtiy environment was much more so this way. Universities are not even democracies let alone anarchies. :p Very foolish point to have missed for so long. Getting out into the "real world" is like breathing air for the first timein my life. The pangs of lack of protection are for me joyous, not scary. What did I lose? Homework hanging over my head day and night. Having to pay them. Scrounging for jobs in the school, jobs that paid poverty level paycheques. People, most of whom felt bullied and helpless. Bad food, and worse deals on purchasing it. Great libraries. Thinkers around every corner (in comparision to the real world only). Untried theory about how to make it in life. Protection I didn't want.

My own frustration for years.

I blew it in thinking that that environment was more free than the outside world was. if I was a person destined to be trapped in a RoseAnne rerun life, I could understand why that environment would present a good alternative. But honestly, my life has such better potential. In the real world, people don't snear openly at me for wearing a short skirt... or for talking when I shouldn't... or for handing my homework in with too much effort having been put into it... or for trying and succeeding at looking beuatiful and being intelligent. It's 7:30am and I don't feel like getting showered and dressed yet.

distinct holidays.

Thu Apr 18 1996

Unbeknownst to me as it turned out, today is my birthday. 20 pieces of email awoke me to this effect this morning. I am quit eproud of not having known this. Now too I am supposed to update my age register: add 1. I just forget which register I stored that trivium in. I'll get there. I'm sure Tracey and Rose will keep me posted.

The tylenols have worn off finally. I'm not grinning from ear to ear anymore. Then again I'm not using meditative techniques to override the migraine either. It was quite wonderful to find myself in so much pain yesterday and to still be really happy inside. Remarkable. I am really not the person I wwas 15 years ago. Not at all.

The sadnesses and depresions I land in these days are minor. Usually event related. Not a world view gestalt that I'm stuck forever in. I wish I could understand .... geez. Why do I start that way? I do understand why this has happened. But put the beginning point and the current point together at the same time and the distance looks miraculous to have travelled. I do understand. I guess I just get giddy. Perfectly reasonable.

Tracey has placed a chair in my apartment for safe keeping. Safe from what i'm to sure as these cats think it is pretty exciting to have another piece of furniture to Ninja from underneath. This chair is an ankle targetter. So watch out.

I do understand. Smile and deal with it!

pomegranite talk.

Fri Apr 19 1996

I have my input receivers almost fully closed so there are very few sources of new information modellings getting in to me currently. The stress will go away shortly enough.

gullible travels.

Sat Apr 20 1996

Just as one thing starts to work, other people get greedy! I am surprised. Why are people like that? Fortunes can rise together rather than separately or in competition internally. Yikes. I like it when peopel find peace intheir hearts to share really. But never, never, will I force or even encourage too much of that. Let it percolate. I'll weed people out on the basis of the greed oves they force on me.

Bath time.

little yellow tulips.

Sat Apr 20 1996

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if they grew wild in the cracks in our sidewalks?! :) [He's not late after all.]

tendrils of decency.

Sun Apr 21 1996

I had a really nice time last night going out. We taled a lot about surprisingly interesting things. Unexpected. An unexpected understanding about life's pointlessness arose making me uncomfortably apologetic. I don't think that's a way to focus one's own energies in being alive - but it is a necessity of the truly thoughtful. I'm glad I mustered up my courage ions and went out.

And it was fun watching his reactions to others' reactions to me. :)

I feel like the black smudges making up a faxed cat. No miaus, but plenty to say. Where is my 3D?

I realized that in meditating, I create a truly wonderful 3d space to think in in my mind. But in real life the space is only flat. The world extends out in two directions (right and left) from my nose, and my eyes can look around this. It surprised me the other day to realize that there was world behind me as much as in front - without moving my eyes that is.

Perhaps even more ridiculously, I started reading a book yesterday by Oliver Saks, the author of Awakenings, a book called An anthropologist on Mars. This is a series of stories, case studies of people who have suffered some sort of brain trauma and consequent personality or perceptual disorder. Of course, halfway through the second case study, I was certain that I had all the symptm


Mon Apr 22 1996

I just made a final offer on the building. Tomorrow will be a yes or no. Enough is enough. Fingers crossed. But with the cool new office space either way, all that is at stake is the parking space. A million dollar parking space. Snicker. As long as all the parties are getting what they want, that's mine. :) I'll probably simply lend my car out anyway.

dinner awaits.

attributions of recognition.

Tue Apr 23 1996

Two of amusing note: Christen. The second is from my doctor's office. I was telling Dr. Duic about my cool and exciting new building and the business, and I warned him to watch out for me on TV. So in a round about way, he found out about this place, and amusingly his doctor staff grinned their collective heads off at possibly being written about. Here goes.

My opinion of doctors in Ontario. Please oh please I wish that the monopolies would disappear. I'dlike to be able to buy the sort of thing I want, whether it be something that is banished completely in the present regime or soemthng who's accessibility conditions change to recognize a market economy. In a monoply, a doctor's referral to a specialist can only happen after a physical visit to that doctor. Why? Paperwork. Accountability. Efficiency. How3ver I should be able to buy better accessibility. Why not? In a monopoly, a collectionof phone lines can't be ordered by me without the phone company charging a pile of money for the physical internal line installation. When told that the compay we are buying our new phone system from (not yet decided on) will do that, the phone campnay refused to sell us phone lines - reasoning that the installers should do the ordering. Enforced by monopoly thinking, we cannot now do our own wiring, nor can we shop around at all thinks to Bell's condition. Refusing to sell us soemthing when we need it -phone lines- without a $500 ransom. Monopolies.

I'm not that concerned about economic situations or political situations, but when I see the inconvenience and expense caused by this sort of collective central thinking, I get concerned. As a grown up, as a successful business person, as an educated thinker, I should be allowed to sink or swim on my own decisions. I am not. Not really. Of course, if I decided to sink, I could find ways. Not a problem. But that is not what my point is. Given other peoples' preferences, there should be a way for me, little old me, to navigate through the world by my own decidings.

I don't find this is the way of the world though. Not only are there these sorts of missing options in the world around me. I expect of myself that I take these in to account and design accordingly. Why do I ever end up surprised that things are the way they are?! :) That is the crux really.

I've always lived without planning. Coordination games seemed foolish. However... The big however: coordination games allow of rmore sophisticated doings and beings. That's really the point I guess.

I fully do believe and advocate that without this concession, the sophistications would arise easily in other ways. This is one method, and only one method, to acheive the sorting of human achievement and capacity into recognizable bins: bearings sorters. Other methods might easily lend themselves to a more human -- arrogant, no? -- outlook and approach. I see it this way: what if everyone was truly honest with themself (not a word :)? If ... no I can't with good feelings argue this utopian position. People are not honest with themselves. Period. Why pretend in this case? Why the counter-factual inthe face of it's antecedant's impossibility?

Fine. I advocate something I am not really willing to advocate in implementation. Amusing. What is sthinking for oneself all about if not the winnowing of what one doesn't wnat anymore? So what do I want here? No monopolies. As easy as changing human nature.

In the news yesterday, Tracey's MP (federal level elected official) voted against what his party (the party in power around here) advocated. He was asked to leave the party, to cross the floor.

We have here a clear indication of completely *****undemocratic**** nature of Canada. Party politics are supposed to take precedent according to the parties over individual conscience, over representation of one's electoral body, over right and worng (giggle). Democratic? Where.

ps... my doctor is otherwise really great!

phasing liquid glass.

Wed Apr 24 1996 (early)

Holding together with will power
pressuring the liquid inwards
towards itself.

The ambiance of personal culture
forming crystals of brilliance.

Peace a distant influence
of geometric balance
on the branchings,
I engage.

Holding still in the tangent
as movement captured in beauty,
a dream, mine.

A fast day.

Wed Apr 24 1996 (late)

It's late. I seem to have a cold, not a bad one though, just annoying. Today was a fast and exciting day. I negotiated all sorts of people things. Rearrangements even where I didn't expect them exactly today. A conference, an ISP dissolving before my eyes, my building problems went into limbo as I entered the gap between sold and closing date, furniture also dissoved into sentimentality so off furniture leasing I go tomorrow morning - something nicely new for the new space, otherwise calm people erupting into concerns of their own. I don't think I can demonstrate the collection of people problems that arose and were polished today. Amusing though. I'd bet today is a full moon. And the two really incredible waiters at my favourite restaurant asked for my mailing address so that they can keep me apprised of their sudden and new plans to go it in the business on their own. Must have been one of those days for them too.

I had an incredibly fun time being in the midst of so many things. A nexus. One of my old fantasies was right on. And Niels is coming to visit on Saturday. :)

I'll need to speak with that copyright lawyer again. Amazing that people don't keep their hands off other's toys. < smiffle >

I looked in the mirror this evening. I looked well used from a good day. Not young anymore. Not shy. Not intelligent. Not beautiful. But confident, tired, satisfied, together. I saw a together person in the mirror. Smoothed straight hair with a few greys emphasized by choice of part. No more zits. A thinness in my cheeks that once would have been lax. Exactly the sort of person I wanted to be years and years ago. Today was a good day to be alive. Today we all pulled off doing what we wanted to. I am proud today to be who I am.

And of course while I write that my mind flickers back to other interpretations out of doubt. Is it a doubt now I have or an old one remembered? I'd like to know but I feel that sort of discrimination beyond my tiredness tonight. And yet for a change I write now late into thedarkenss - where the business hours cannot get me. Where my own energies are not useful to put to work. I would only messthngs up if I tried now. (I did of course put slides together last night at 1am :) To go out on a date last weekend, I practiced staying up a bit later, and I still have the habit. I'll fix this and only date morning people or people in the morning from now on.)

"Go to sleep," my mind tells me. "Get to the point here before stopping," my mind replies.

The point here: I absolutely love getting older. Nothing else has ever been as wonderful! My life is my own and my troubles mine. My success mine. My happiness mine. My freinds chosen by me and not circumstance. My doings what I intend. It - meaning me - is wonderful.

And now I am truly laughing at myself - "everything is wonderful." smirk What am I relaly doing? RELIEF. That god-damned building deal is done - no more stress. No more accumulation of grey hairs for this year. Time to play again. Nothing more serious. Can I handle feeling this way tomorrow too? That will be a truly great accomplishment for me.

The City of Lost Children: The French create the most dreamy and surreal movies. And yestereay was The Last Supper, wher eTracey and I bumped into Earl, and then Peter and the unnamable one in the front row. :) Temptations of the lost on cheap movie night. The world is a small place an dI relly tand truly enjoy this one aspect, that people are not infinite resources as I once thought. They do come back into one's life even without the efforts I thought were necessary (but never have done). Roger, Earl, Peter (of course). Coincidence? No. I wonder without spelling out my thoughts... dreaming in words instead of sleeping with a pillow.


Where have the sparrows gone?

Thu Apr 25 1996

Golden Key Suburbia. It's me that moved.

I'd like to live forever. That was the point of last night's ramblings online. I want to never leave this life excitment. How can I accomplish this? Years ago while I had the clear cut optionto dedicate my life to teh discovery of the elixer of life, I realized that my own efforts in this would not be enough. I chose instead to pursue other interests inthe hope that I would end up in a position to sponser this pursuit from the other end, the financing of it. I am on the way. That and getting off the planet are my real real dreams.

To float amongst the stars breathing in the void. Through supernovae unto the moons and beyond dark matter, forever embracing causal beauty, true science. Has anyone dreamed more than me of meeting alien races, of walking simply on our glowing moon, or of exploring lost civilizations?

Oh how I want this. This is why I am an ascetic about the more local human pleasures. I have no need of wanting them. They are so easily satisfied and so very often realized. I wnat to eat people chow, to sleep in a basic way, to think of the stars.

The seemingly long term strategies I work on are the shortest paths to the stars. Not long term enough I think.... hence the life extension goal. I will get there. I need to.

But of course, in the now: it is morning and I must pick up Rose in 20 minutes. business, work, websites, sales people, furniture, building search, hand shaking, voice editting, miau chirp (my hidden deeper longing: the stars)

doing this right.

Sun Apr 28 1996

Where to begin... I think I did a long time ago. Old friends. Diverging paths. Different strategies. Different compensations. Who is sane? Am I insane? Who is sane? How can I judge this?

One standard is to determine what "society" (which one?!) regards as "normal" and declare n standard deviations outside of this to delineate the boundary of sanity. By this I suspect that I am not sane.

Another is to allow people to vote on my sanity. Again I suspect I don't come out to good on this when they literally know me - I explain too much, and yes, I write my actual beliefs out in public as if this were normal. Not normal at all in fact. I do think it is good for me though. Apparently not all agree with this, and further not all approve either. It is interesting to watch people approve or disapprove on the basis of my opinions of them though.

Side tangent: my first reaction in receiving these letters this morning was one of pain, horror, shock. A feeling that I am hated, threatened and even threatening to others. I wrote a letter thanking Craig for sharing his reply to me - sincerely. And upon reflection decided not bury the discussion. That I am willing to write it here but not to the select (unnamed to me) list is exactly what is bringing my sanity into dispute - one of the things anyway. Is this sane? I don't know. Is talking in public nice? No. Does sharing my life when I can constitute anything important? I believe it does. Autobiographies have traditionally opened hornets nests too. My online diary is always certainly has this potential constantly. I hope people won't regard other's opionions as slander simply because *I* put things here - I should think that it is obvious that I might be forging and fabricating everything. Certainly that sort of claim is opne to anyone who is hurt by what I do here.

Less of a tangent: Am I sane? How the fuck should I know? :) I want to be. I act in ways that make me productive given who I am. Isn't that sufficient? Or does an online diary completely invalidate other things I do that are "normal"? I don't know. Apparently wanting to be famous is ine invalidation. I am supposed to have fame thrust on me as if I could not have caused it.

My behaviour in person is odd by public standards. I'm too showy, too loud, not humble or subservient enough. I gain pepople's respect and then lose it again easily. I'll grant this too. It hurts be to be called unusual, another sign. I operate with people best who do not know me personally. Cool. I know this and am primarily a hermit. This too makes me less than sane.

I am trying to be everything. Not sane. God will this ever be regarded as a major tantrum to support those to whom this question is important. So be it. [I think now I'll cry.]

ps... the real reason I have included these letters and this reaction (if anyone believes anything I write) is that I cannot fathom the questions. I'd like to know. I am afraid not of being less than sane, but of losing my freedom to act during the course of my life. I feel threatened in this by these questions. Is sanity important? I don't think so. But that can be a very neurotic case of denial. Hence these thoughts. Perhaps I should have hidden this publicly and repressed personally this after all.

When's the vote? [Now I am crying.]



  Golden Key
All non-daughter writings of Carolyn's Diary are not copyright © Carolyn L Burke, 1995, and may not be copied without permission except for non-commercial gain. See what your lawyers can't make of that.

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